Bigger Than a Million Pride Parades

[This post was concurrently made on From Where I Stand's parent blog, All One Peace.]

The day I was confirmed a member of the LDS Church, my father gave me a blessing as is the custom. In it, he told me to walk in the right path so others would know they would be safe to follow me. That admonition has stayed with me since the day I received it and often kept me from doing things I might have later regretted. It has also weighed heavily on me as I’ve followed a path other than the one I was taught. That’s why the following message from a friend, sent via Facebook, filled me with a number of conflicting emotions:

Just wanted to say that I loved the article you posted. […] I think Prop 8 was when many of us were forced to take a stand one way or another. My stake was one of the ones asked to make phone calls to people in California, and it made me really have to consider what the still, small voice inside of me was telling me to do.

Side note: although I knew and was friends with plenty of gay people before, you were the first person who came out who I trusted to make good decisions for yourself. I know it sounds incredibly judgmental of me, but it is what it is. When I found out that you were gay, it was different—it became a real thing in my mind. I knew it must have been an incredibly difficult decision for you, and I knew you lived a life close to God. This wasn’t a choice that you had made lightly, and you weren’t just “confused” or trying to get attention. Because I had known and respected you for so long, I suddenly had to take this whole homosexual thing seriously.

So back to making phone calls to California. I was terrified they would ask me to do it. And while I have a testimony of living prophets, I also have a testimony that the still, small voice inside of me is a personal guide. And after you came out, I had to start asking the still, small voice whether it thought you were doing something evil or whether you were the same Trent you had always been. Suddenly the still, small voice was saying a different thing than what Boyd K. Packer was saying. Which to choose? And I also knew that this was just a small shadow of what you were going through. At least for me it was all theoretical without a big impact in my life; I knew that you had struggled with a much bigger question with huge impacts for you and your family.

So…I didn’t make the phone calls in California, and when gay marriage came up on the Washington ballot last year (I can still vote in the state of Washington) I happily voted for it. I decided to trust the still, small voice instead of the infallibility of prophets. This is still a struggle. And I’m not turning my profile picture red and all that, mainly because I’m not happy with the actions of either political side so I don’t want to align myself with a certain political group. I’ve also been trying to avoid getting into the arguments about it lately, except when I have to. Maybe I’m just a coward, but the “discussions” just seem to lead to contention and make people dig in their heels even more. But the spirit of the movement has my support.

And this whole long story is mean [sic.] to explain to you why I suggested you[…]and everyone else keep sharing your stories. Your personal story had a bigger impact on my personal prejudices than a million gay pride parades.

I’ve known this person since we were children. As I read her message I was reminded yet again of my father’s words. Suddenly there was doubt. Was I leading people in unsafe paths? Was the way I live my life causing people to stray from the true faith? What was I going to have to account for when I faced God?

Yet, I couldn’t help feeling some gratification, even vindication. Her beautifully-worded final sentence made me smile. I’ve sometimes been told I should get angry and assert myself, facing down those who oppose me with fire and force. I’ve specifically been criticized for the way I choose to support “The Cause.” My friend confirms for me yet again that angry militancy changes nothing for the better. Unconditional love and mutual respect will always go further in uniting hearts and minds to heal the world than any flamboyant or violent “in-your-face” display.

All those voices, inner and outer, telling me I had abandoned my calling and betrayed my gifts aren’t necessarily right. Being a true follower of Christ isn’t easy and it involves a lot of stepping out into the darkness, identifying and trusting the right inner voice to lead the way. It’s a struggle for me, too.

The blessing my father gave me is being fulfilled after all. It doesn’t involve me being some great bishop or stake president or any kind of leader, Church or otherwise. I’m simply doing my best to understand and heed what the light inside is telling me to do and then telling my story as authentically as I can. If that helps others to follow the light inside them, I’m glad.

When I face my Savior, I know I’ll have things to account for. Hopefully, I won’t suffer for them too long. In the end, I trust His love and grace to make up the difference after I’ve done all I can do.

We’re all in this together and I’m really glad my friend reached out to share her story. In doing so, she helped me continue to trust the light I feel and become all one peace.

Stay Outta' My Kitchen

Last week, I shared a Facebook post about my friend Jeff's experience in a locker room where he overheard two prominent men in the community discussing the pending anti-discrimination ordinance here in Pocatello. The husband of a friend of mine, who I'll call Thomas, decided to call bullshit because Jeff, wisely, didn't name any names. This guy called Jeff a cry-baby and continued to rave in an ill-worded, embarrassingly-misspelled comment about how Jeff should have handled the situation.

Needless to say, the reaction from Jeff and many other friends of mine to this name calling was strong. Thomas apologized to me via comment, but I replied that he should be apologizing to Jeff since he was who took the brunt of Thomas's verbiage  Ultimately, Thomas unfriended me and made me his enemy. He has since sent me a couple of private messages, one attempting reconciliation and the other threatening me that he would become a monster of my making if I didn't publicly shield him from the continuing comments of my friends. Between those two messages, I accepted his olive branch and told him I had no hard feelings. After the second message, I'm not sure I can still say that and mean it.

So this is the rule for anyone posting comments on my Facebook page: If you make an ass of yourself publicly but refuse to apologize just as publicly, don't expect me to come to your rescue. I will allow you to hang by your own rope. In fact, I might even enjoy watching you twist in the wind of consequence, at least until you get a clue and own your mistake like a grown-up.