Intellectual Honesty, or the Lack Thereof

Someone very close to me recently sent a link to The Witherspoon Institute's Public Discourse page. This particular post was made by a self-proclaimed gay man who chooses to live in a "straight" family situation. He makes some strong assertions about marriage equality based on his experiences and biases. Below is the link that was sent to me followed by my response to the person who sent it:

http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2013/03/9432/

B****,

I just read this e-mail. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I appreciate the opportunity to dialogue about this view.

There are many objections I have to what this person says. Seeing that he is co-founder of the National Capital Tea Party Patriots, I can't say I'm surprised at what he says, but his reasoning is flawed and I'll tell you why. Please refer to his document if you have questions.

First, let me tell you what I DO agree with. His assertion that philia is often overlooked in favor of eros is an accurate one, though it's certainly not just gay culture that does so. It is culture in general that has become overly sexualized. Eros has gained an undue place in our cultural estimation at large, putting our social interactions out of a healthy balance.

Gay culture does, indeed, enshrine sex, but it is not alone in doing so. However, if you read between the lines of Mr. Mainwaring's Greek-word discourse, he basically accuses the majority of gay men of being the main culprits, sexually ravenous wolves who are incapable of non-sexual connection. It's the same type of hysteria that has fueled gay witch hunts for decades, including the one that occurred in Boise in 1955. You should look that up sometime. It had an impact on both of us even though we are two generations distant from the actual events.

The next thing I'd like to discuss is his assertions on the difference between straight and gay marriage. It must be borne in mind that he is speaking from his own experience and then presenting his experience as fact in opposition to the experience of others. He says that in spite of having to repress certain sexual desires, he found marriage rewarding. OF COURSE he found marriage rewarding! The profound companionship provided by marriage is very fulfilling, speaking from my limited, peripheral experience. However, he uses his experiences with men after his divorce to assert that marriage between two men would be less fulfilling. How does he know that? He was never married to a man! And from the tone of everything else he says, even his long-term relationships with other men would have been colored with his prejudice against homosexuality. It's no wonder he didn't find them as fulfilling! (I have experienced similar difficulty in experiencing fulfillment, not because I'm trying to make it work with another guy, but because I was programmed from the beginning to believe it was wrong to try. With that attitude it's very hard to open myself and invest in the relationship because I'm scared it's doomed to fail...thus becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm very lucky that Chris is so dedicated and has stayed with me as I've struggled with this.)

And as for Mr. Mainwaring's children, they began life while he was still married to his wife. Of course they are going to be happier and feel safer with them back together! What child DOESN'T want their separated parents to kiss and make up? And his assertions that children are deprived if they don't have parents of opposite genders is just false. There is no objective empirical evidence that supports this, and in fact, the unbiased data that HAS been gathered refutes this notion. He can believe it if he wants, but to state it as fact shows his lack of the very intellectual honesty he says he has.

Is sexuality fluid? Absolutely! Do straight people and gay people alike shy away from this truth? Yes, because of how much easier it is to slap a label on someone complete with a code of acceptable behavior. People want things to be black and white because then they don't have to think. They don't have to reason. They don't have to put forth the intellectual and spiritual effort to discern the truth, to see things as they are. And who is this man to judge the lives of his acquaintances as "diminished?" He conveniently avoids the exploration and discussion of the consequences of a mixed-orientation marriage's end. Do these men struggle to find a new identity? Of course! Do they often then rely on tired stereotypes and fall in with the cultural "Sex is everything" message? Absolutely! Does it have to be that way? Absolutely NOT! But denying marriage to gay people only perpetuates the tired stereotypes and leaves these men with few clear options as they seek to begin a new life. Divorce is hard enough but to do so while coming out is exponentially traumatic.

I agree that we, as a society, need to be very, very careful not to allow the government to intrude where it doesn't belong, namely the home. His dystopian scenario is certainly a possible reality, and in fact, we already see elements of it coming to pass in many aspects of our lives. The struggle to maintain our liberties has never been more dire, but the kind of alarmist rhetoric this man employs only muddies the waters and makes it more difficult to focus on the real issues at hand.

So...I guess you can tell I didn't think much of what Mr. Mainwaring had to say. He states truths and then uses them to support false premises. He also makes the very dangerous mistake of thinking that his experience is the only valid point of view. I find his audacity offensive, and I try very hard not to be one who is easily offended.

Again, I appreciate that you shared this with me. I hope you take my remarks in the spirit of discussion in which they were initiated.

love and deep respect,

Trent