A lady came into the library yesterday morning with her mother and two small children. The older of the two children was about three years old and could speak quite clearly. I know this because she quite clearly registered her distress that there were earrings in my ears. Her tiny voice projected her anxiety around the otherwise-tranquil second floor, eliciting some embarrassed "shoosh"-ing from her mother and grandmother, as well as some sharply mixed feelings from me.
In that moment, I wanted to comfort the child and let her know the sky wasn't falling. At the same time, I felt a stab of shame and a brief flood of resentment that this small child had already and obviously been taught that boys who wear ear jewelry are to be feared. Finally, I was amused by the mother's chagrin that her daughter had not yet been taught discretion to hide her prejudice.
At one time, I was much like this child. I would often tell people in the supermarket that they shouldn't have beer or cola in their shopping carts because Heavenly Father said those things were bad for us. One evening in the Idaho Falls K-Mart, I loudly registered my surprise when a smoker took pity on my whining and purchased a small toy for me from a vending machine when my parents wouldn't. "He's a nice man...and he smokes!" was my exclamation. My mortified folks thanked the man and later taught me that not all smokers were bad. I tell this story to show that I understand this little girl.
"Careful the things you say. Children will listen. Careful the things you do. Children will see...and learn." These words from Stephen Sondheim's masterwork Into the Woods regularly ring in my ears.
Parents often attempt to protect their children by teaching them things to watch out for in people. These things frequently have to do with how a person looks. Will there ever come a time when children will be taught to evaluate others based on how those others treat the people around them? 1 Samuel 16:7 says in part: "...for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." How else is that heart measured if not by how it motivates us to treat others?
I hope when that little girl grows up, she gets a tattoo and dyes a blue streak in her hair. Then she'll see, as I often do, who people really are. It will ring in her ears, too.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Why I Stay
I am one of the lucky ones.
For the first five years of my life, my mother was my constant companion. I would follow her around the house and she called me her "little shadow." As I grew, I was her helper, her protector, and her confidante. She was my best friend. In many ways, it's because of her that my family ties are stronger than those of most people I know.
Early in the year 2000, I was in my first semester at ISU and living with my parents. Because my folks expected it, I attended church with them. It was the ward I had grown up in, so I fell easily into the role I'd played before I had left home to go to Ricks' College.
My bishop wanted to put me to work in the ward. One Sunday, he asked me into his office to issue me a calling. I refused, telling him I was in a relationship with a young man that had physically exceeded the bounds acceptable to the Church and was therefore not worthy. My confession led to a disciplinary council that concluded in disfellowhipment from the LDS church. At the conclusion of that meeting, I begged my mother to just let me go, as I knew it would be easier in many ways for both of us. With tear-filled eyes, she told me she would never let me go.
On that pivotal night, asking for release was the furthest extreme to which I could go.
As time went on, my family and I developed a method of discourse that protected us all from the discomfort of dealing with reality. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it was the best we could do. Years went by.
Then I met someone. It was the first time I had been that in love with anyone. He seemed like the perfect man in every way. He was handsome, educated, and well-spoken. He was also endearing, tender, and so much more even-headed than I was. We had many interests in common, yet there were also fascinating differences. I was flattered by his interest and excited to absorb all of the good things he was that I felt I wasn't.
As a returned missionary himself, I thought he understood the difficult position I was in. He let me read his coming out journal which detailed his struggles with his own family. He told me he wanted me to really know him. The intimacy of his trust was intoxicating.
I gave him my heart, transferring to him the spot my family had occupied and preparing for the rift it would cause with them. More than once I returned to his arms after visiting them, sobbing because of the pain of separation that was going on inside me. I was like an addict going through withdrawal while becoming addicted to something else.
Then suddenly, he ended the relationship. I was devastated. I couldn't eat. Sleep was fitful, and when I awoke, thoughts of him haunted my every movement and interaction. My heart leapt at every car that looked like his. I saw his face everywhere.
From something he said to me the night he left, I decided that my ties to God and family would always keep me from finding someone who loved me. I also decided that as long as I didn't love myself, no one else would either. I had a talk with my parents and told them things had to change, that I was never going to hide my life from them again.
Four months of working out, losing a lot of weight, and mentally demolishing long-cherished landmarks in my soul didn't lead me to love, but I was feeling very alive. It was a different kind of alive than I was used to. It was animal rather than spiritual. The close friends that I selected to replace my family were worried by the drastic change. I didn't care; I was never going to be hurt like that again.
Then came a week in January where I was fighting a cold. I usually follow the "feed a cold, starve a fever" mantra, so I was feeding the cold with Papa Murphy's Chicken & Garlic pizza. The creamy garlic alfredo sauce was apparently the last straw for my gall bladder because it kicked out the biggest fuss I've ever felt inside my body. The pain was excruciating. I seriously thought I was going to die.
I called my new "family" in a panic, but none of them were available to come help me. Finally, I called a cousin who lived in town. He came and sat with me for two hours while I writhed in an agonized indecision. I didn't have health insurance at the time and I didn't know for sure what was going on inside, but I finally couldn't take it anymore. My cousin drove me to the hospital. He sat with me until 5 in the morning when my parents came down from Idaho Falls. He had a lesson to teach in church at 9.
For the next couple weeks, my parents were both by my side, helping through the surgery and subsequent convalescence. They supported me as I struggled through finding a way to pay for the medical bills, and they listened to me talk about my broken heart.
It became starkly apparent to me that I'd made a grave mistake in trying to replace my family with friends. Although my friends had been sympathetic, it was my family who actually came to my aid. Since then, there are friends I've made that I know I can rely on for many things. Some of them are frustrated that I continue to grapple with the differences between me and my family, but I've learned better than to place those relationships above my family.
Like I said, I'm one of the lucky ones.
For the first five years of my life, my mother was my constant companion. I would follow her around the house and she called me her "little shadow." As I grew, I was her helper, her protector, and her confidante. She was my best friend. In many ways, it's because of her that my family ties are stronger than those of most people I know.
Early in the year 2000, I was in my first semester at ISU and living with my parents. Because my folks expected it, I attended church with them. It was the ward I had grown up in, so I fell easily into the role I'd played before I had left home to go to Ricks' College.
My bishop wanted to put me to work in the ward. One Sunday, he asked me into his office to issue me a calling. I refused, telling him I was in a relationship with a young man that had physically exceeded the bounds acceptable to the Church and was therefore not worthy. My confession led to a disciplinary council that concluded in disfellowhipment from the LDS church. At the conclusion of that meeting, I begged my mother to just let me go, as I knew it would be easier in many ways for both of us. With tear-filled eyes, she told me she would never let me go.
On that pivotal night, asking for release was the furthest extreme to which I could go.
As time went on, my family and I developed a method of discourse that protected us all from the discomfort of dealing with reality. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it was the best we could do. Years went by.
Then I met someone. It was the first time I had been that in love with anyone. He seemed like the perfect man in every way. He was handsome, educated, and well-spoken. He was also endearing, tender, and so much more even-headed than I was. We had many interests in common, yet there were also fascinating differences. I was flattered by his interest and excited to absorb all of the good things he was that I felt I wasn't.
As a returned missionary himself, I thought he understood the difficult position I was in. He let me read his coming out journal which detailed his struggles with his own family. He told me he wanted me to really know him. The intimacy of his trust was intoxicating.
I gave him my heart, transferring to him the spot my family had occupied and preparing for the rift it would cause with them. More than once I returned to his arms after visiting them, sobbing because of the pain of separation that was going on inside me. I was like an addict going through withdrawal while becoming addicted to something else.
Then suddenly, he ended the relationship. I was devastated. I couldn't eat. Sleep was fitful, and when I awoke, thoughts of him haunted my every movement and interaction. My heart leapt at every car that looked like his. I saw his face everywhere.
From something he said to me the night he left, I decided that my ties to God and family would always keep me from finding someone who loved me. I also decided that as long as I didn't love myself, no one else would either. I had a talk with my parents and told them things had to change, that I was never going to hide my life from them again.
Four months of working out, losing a lot of weight, and mentally demolishing long-cherished landmarks in my soul didn't lead me to love, but I was feeling very alive. It was a different kind of alive than I was used to. It was animal rather than spiritual. The close friends that I selected to replace my family were worried by the drastic change. I didn't care; I was never going to be hurt like that again.
Then came a week in January where I was fighting a cold. I usually follow the "feed a cold, starve a fever" mantra, so I was feeding the cold with Papa Murphy's Chicken & Garlic pizza. The creamy garlic alfredo sauce was apparently the last straw for my gall bladder because it kicked out the biggest fuss I've ever felt inside my body. The pain was excruciating. I seriously thought I was going to die.
I called my new "family" in a panic, but none of them were available to come help me. Finally, I called a cousin who lived in town. He came and sat with me for two hours while I writhed in an agonized indecision. I didn't have health insurance at the time and I didn't know for sure what was going on inside, but I finally couldn't take it anymore. My cousin drove me to the hospital. He sat with me until 5 in the morning when my parents came down from Idaho Falls. He had a lesson to teach in church at 9.
For the next couple weeks, my parents were both by my side, helping through the surgery and subsequent convalescence. They supported me as I struggled through finding a way to pay for the medical bills, and they listened to me talk about my broken heart.
It became starkly apparent to me that I'd made a grave mistake in trying to replace my family with friends. Although my friends had been sympathetic, it was my family who actually came to my aid. Since then, there are friends I've made that I know I can rely on for many things. Some of them are frustrated that I continue to grapple with the differences between me and my family, but I've learned better than to place those relationships above my family.
Like I said, I'm one of the lucky ones.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
A Rolling Stone Reveals Dead Men's Bones
The cover was distasteful, reeking like a junior high bathroom. Miley Cyrus emerging from a swimming pool licking her bare shoulder, mascara bleeding from her wanton eyes. Rolling Stone was playing her game and pandering to the lowest common denominator. Then the smaller print below caught my eye. "The War on Gay Teens" it said. So instead of putting the magazine on the shelving rack, I checked it out and took it home to read. (http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/the-hidden-war-against-gay-teens-20131010)
On its surface, it looked like just another tired bleeding-heart liberal piece crying big crocodile tears over the plight of oppressed sexual misfits. That kind of stuff irks me because it usually just gives ammo to the haters. However, it quickly dug deeper, showing a link to tax-supported bullying and shaming in Christian schools. As I read, I got mad. Mad that people could be so hateful and devious all the while claiming that they were acting for Jesus Christ. Mad that this debate even exists.
I decided I wanted to post a link to the article on my Facebook page, a place I often go to when I need to process things like this by discussing them with my friends. In looking for the online version, I found another Rolling Stone article related to this topic. This one, published in 2012, examined how the policy of one school district in Minnesota contributed to a rash of suicides among its gay teens. My anger and revulsion increased. (http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/one-towns-war-on-gay-teens-20120202)
This is usually the point in the story where I consider abandoning my affiliation with Christianity, often to the extent of having my name removed from the records of my natal church. It's a common reaction and subsides over a short time. It happens in the privacy of my soul and I don't say much to anyone about it. This time, though, I decided to blog through it.
People are dying, killing themselves because of modern-day Pharisees. One of my favorite passages of scripture is Matthew 23:27 where Jesus dresses down the "church" power players of his day with these words: "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness." I can't stand injustice, and that's what I feel is going on in these schools, in our towns, in our country. People are using the stick of scripture and the cross of Christ to tread their brothers and sisters under their feet. There are times when I would love nothing more than to face all those outwardly religious people who do such hateful things and throw Christ's words right at them, reducing them to the same kind of self-loathing, guilty tears I, myself, have experienced.
But that's where MY bones are, and I can't give in to them. The only things I really want filling my insides are love for myself and those around me and the light of knowledge and truth. That's the only way to have personal peace in this turbulent world.
In those rare moments when I allow myself to be happy just as I am, it feels possible to be a whole person, free from the conflict and rage my soul usually harbors. Slowly, I'm moving on from this issue I've been hung up on since childhood, losing the need to prove anything to anyone, but it still consumes much of my thought and energy...and is taking up so much of my life, which is another blog post entirely.
On its surface, it looked like just another tired bleeding-heart liberal piece crying big crocodile tears over the plight of oppressed sexual misfits. That kind of stuff irks me because it usually just gives ammo to the haters. However, it quickly dug deeper, showing a link to tax-supported bullying and shaming in Christian schools. As I read, I got mad. Mad that people could be so hateful and devious all the while claiming that they were acting for Jesus Christ. Mad that this debate even exists.
I decided I wanted to post a link to the article on my Facebook page, a place I often go to when I need to process things like this by discussing them with my friends. In looking for the online version, I found another Rolling Stone article related to this topic. This one, published in 2012, examined how the policy of one school district in Minnesota contributed to a rash of suicides among its gay teens. My anger and revulsion increased. (http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/one-towns-war-on-gay-teens-20120202)
This is usually the point in the story where I consider abandoning my affiliation with Christianity, often to the extent of having my name removed from the records of my natal church. It's a common reaction and subsides over a short time. It happens in the privacy of my soul and I don't say much to anyone about it. This time, though, I decided to blog through it.
People are dying, killing themselves because of modern-day Pharisees. One of my favorite passages of scripture is Matthew 23:27 where Jesus dresses down the "church" power players of his day with these words: "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness." I can't stand injustice, and that's what I feel is going on in these schools, in our towns, in our country. People are using the stick of scripture and the cross of Christ to tread their brothers and sisters under their feet. There are times when I would love nothing more than to face all those outwardly religious people who do such hateful things and throw Christ's words right at them, reducing them to the same kind of self-loathing, guilty tears I, myself, have experienced.
But that's where MY bones are, and I can't give in to them. The only things I really want filling my insides are love for myself and those around me and the light of knowledge and truth. That's the only way to have personal peace in this turbulent world.
In those rare moments when I allow myself to be happy just as I am, it feels possible to be a whole person, free from the conflict and rage my soul usually harbors. Slowly, I'm moving on from this issue I've been hung up on since childhood, losing the need to prove anything to anyone, but it still consumes much of my thought and energy...and is taking up so much of my life, which is another blog post entirely.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger
After reading a post regarding a Kansas bill that seeks to "protect" religious freedom by barring gays from suing bakers for refusal to make gay wedding cakes, I needed to post a rant somewhere and this is where it goes.
This bill passed the Kanses House of Representatives, looks to easily pass in the Republican-dominated Senate, and has already been praised by the notoriously-conservative governor. I think the reason this event raised my ire is a similar bill was tried in the Idaho legislature as well, though it was withdrawn for the time being by its sponsor, Rep. Luker.
I'm tired of both sides of this issue. I'm tired of "religious conservatives" and their self-righteousness. I'm also tired of litigious gay people who think that suing some small bakery who refused to make their wedding cake is some victory for civil rights. Neither side is right. Neither side is productively moving us all to a peaceful place of existence.
To the wounded God-fearers, I ask, how long did you think lording your moral superiority over those who don't fit into your Jesus-uptopia was going to go unchallenged? How long did you think you were going to get away with grinding your fellow human beings into the ground? It's time to stop being so easily offended by things you don't agree with. It's time to stop excluding your fellow beings from things that should be enjoyed by everyone.
To those gay people who are only making things worse, I say two wrongs don't make a right. Reverse-discrimination is still discrimination. Hitting someone back when they've hit you only perpetuates the cycle of hate and violence that has been perpetrated on gay people throughout recorded history. We have the power to end it and we should do so, not by shrinking away and hiding as has been done in the past, but by being a model of humanity, love, and respect for our fellow beings. This is how we can demonstrate our strength. The question we should always ask ourselves is "How would I feel if this were done to me?" Often, we already know the answer because whatever it is HAS been done to us. That doesn't mean we should return the behavior in kind.
Yesterday, in a Facebook conversation, a friend of mine told me that sometimes there isn't any middle ground, that some people are just wrong. I hear what he is saying, but I cannot and will not subscribe to an "us against them" mentality. Whether I agree with a person or not, they are still my fellow human being, my brother or my sister. I will not make them my enemy by viewing them as such, nor let them do the same. If they try to make me their enemy, they can only do so if I agree with that perception. Frankly, this is the only way to truly neutralize enmity and has been shown to be highly effective by the few brave enough to practice it.
The title of this blog is From Where I Stand, and what is it I stand for? I stand for peace and I stand for truth, as much as can be perceived. That is the only "side" I stand on.
This bill passed the Kanses House of Representatives, looks to easily pass in the Republican-dominated Senate, and has already been praised by the notoriously-conservative governor. I think the reason this event raised my ire is a similar bill was tried in the Idaho legislature as well, though it was withdrawn for the time being by its sponsor, Rep. Luker.
I'm tired of both sides of this issue. I'm tired of "religious conservatives" and their self-righteousness. I'm also tired of litigious gay people who think that suing some small bakery who refused to make their wedding cake is some victory for civil rights. Neither side is right. Neither side is productively moving us all to a peaceful place of existence.
To the wounded God-fearers, I ask, how long did you think lording your moral superiority over those who don't fit into your Jesus-uptopia was going to go unchallenged? How long did you think you were going to get away with grinding your fellow human beings into the ground? It's time to stop being so easily offended by things you don't agree with. It's time to stop excluding your fellow beings from things that should be enjoyed by everyone.
To those gay people who are only making things worse, I say two wrongs don't make a right. Reverse-discrimination is still discrimination. Hitting someone back when they've hit you only perpetuates the cycle of hate and violence that has been perpetrated on gay people throughout recorded history. We have the power to end it and we should do so, not by shrinking away and hiding as has been done in the past, but by being a model of humanity, love, and respect for our fellow beings. This is how we can demonstrate our strength. The question we should always ask ourselves is "How would I feel if this were done to me?" Often, we already know the answer because whatever it is HAS been done to us. That doesn't mean we should return the behavior in kind.
Yesterday, in a Facebook conversation, a friend of mine told me that sometimes there isn't any middle ground, that some people are just wrong. I hear what he is saying, but I cannot and will not subscribe to an "us against them" mentality. Whether I agree with a person or not, they are still my fellow human being, my brother or my sister. I will not make them my enemy by viewing them as such, nor let them do the same. If they try to make me their enemy, they can only do so if I agree with that perception. Frankly, this is the only way to truly neutralize enmity and has been shown to be highly effective by the few brave enough to practice it.
The title of this blog is From Where I Stand, and what is it I stand for? I stand for peace and I stand for truth, as much as can be perceived. That is the only "side" I stand on.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Repeat After Me: Faith Over Fear
Yesterday, I shared on Facebook a web story from the Rachel Maddow Show about the recent rule change in the Democratically-dominated Senate.
(http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/dems-execute-nuclear-option)
It elicited a few comments, as might be expected. While I was grateful for the general civility in the tone of those comments, I couldn't help noticing the uneasily-restrained tension in most of them. After quoting from the Maddow Show post, I went on to respond this way:
'I have little respect for Senator Reid and I'm sure many Democrats will regret this action when the tables are turned, but at this point someone needed to hit the reset button.
For those of you in this discussion who believe in such things (and I do), if this country is going to hell in a handbasket, that just means Christ's return is more imminent due to the fulfillment of prophecy. He's the only one I really trust to heal what's wrong with us so why get so upset? When Jesus was educating His disciples on the signs of the Second Coming before He entered into Jerusalem as a mortal for the last time, He said "...see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass..." (Matt. 24:6) Over and over again he admonished those who followed Him not to be afraid.
I am not suggesting that we sit on our hands and wait for Jesus to fix all our problems. What I AM saying is that when we engage in this ridiculous political process, we do so in a spirit of faith, faith that we truly are in the Lord's hands, faith that short term frustrations are just that, faith that all things truly do work together for the good of them that love the Lord. This faith will calm the fear fueling our problems, allowing us all to pull back from the violently heated partisanship that has crippled our country. Then, at the very least, we are no longer a part of the problem and when the master of the house returns, we will be found feeding his sheep instead of beating them, verbally or otherwise.'
I really wanted to be more direct and call into question the faith of one of those commentators on my post who is a member of a certain prominent religion here in Idaho. I wanted to point out to him that all his whiny posts and comments about how hypocritical and bad the Democrats are and how unfair anyone with a "liberal agenda" is only points up his own hypocrisy. A couple weeks ago, when three LDS churches were vandalized with some really hateful graffiti, this person grumped about how it wouldn't be labeled a hate-crime, even though hate speech was used. He seemed to imply that he wasn't capable of that kind of hypocrisy. It galled me. Shouldn't a self-proclaimed follower of Jesus Christ be the first to turn the other cheek when wronged? How dare he imply that all "Liberals" were hypocrites?
I'm glad I didn't call him out on Facebook and prove him right. Allowing his public anger to beget more public anger would have only made the situation worse and is precisely the kind of thing that is tearing our nation apart. (Yes, I'm blogging about it here, but I've already claimed this soapbox as a place where I can process feelings.) It's time to choose faith over fear...and I think if I keep repeating that to myself, I'll be able to do it more consistently in all areas of my life and make my corner of the world better in the process.
(http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/dems-execute-nuclear-option)
It elicited a few comments, as might be expected. While I was grateful for the general civility in the tone of those comments, I couldn't help noticing the uneasily-restrained tension in most of them. After quoting from the Maddow Show post, I went on to respond this way:
'I have little respect for Senator Reid and I'm sure many Democrats will regret this action when the tables are turned, but at this point someone needed to hit the reset button.
For those of you in this discussion who believe in such things (and I do), if this country is going to hell in a handbasket, that just means Christ's return is more imminent due to the fulfillment of prophecy. He's the only one I really trust to heal what's wrong with us so why get so upset? When Jesus was educating His disciples on the signs of the Second Coming before He entered into Jerusalem as a mortal for the last time, He said "...see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass..." (Matt. 24:6) Over and over again he admonished those who followed Him not to be afraid.
I am not suggesting that we sit on our hands and wait for Jesus to fix all our problems. What I AM saying is that when we engage in this ridiculous political process, we do so in a spirit of faith, faith that we truly are in the Lord's hands, faith that short term frustrations are just that, faith that all things truly do work together for the good of them that love the Lord. This faith will calm the fear fueling our problems, allowing us all to pull back from the violently heated partisanship that has crippled our country. Then, at the very least, we are no longer a part of the problem and when the master of the house returns, we will be found feeding his sheep instead of beating them, verbally or otherwise.'
I really wanted to be more direct and call into question the faith of one of those commentators on my post who is a member of a certain prominent religion here in Idaho. I wanted to point out to him that all his whiny posts and comments about how hypocritical and bad the Democrats are and how unfair anyone with a "liberal agenda" is only points up his own hypocrisy. A couple weeks ago, when three LDS churches were vandalized with some really hateful graffiti, this person grumped about how it wouldn't be labeled a hate-crime, even though hate speech was used. He seemed to imply that he wasn't capable of that kind of hypocrisy. It galled me. Shouldn't a self-proclaimed follower of Jesus Christ be the first to turn the other cheek when wronged? How dare he imply that all "Liberals" were hypocrites?
I'm glad I didn't call him out on Facebook and prove him right. Allowing his public anger to beget more public anger would have only made the situation worse and is precisely the kind of thing that is tearing our nation apart. (Yes, I'm blogging about it here, but I've already claimed this soapbox as a place where I can process feelings.) It's time to choose faith over fear...and I think if I keep repeating that to myself, I'll be able to do it more consistently in all areas of my life and make my corner of the world better in the process.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Quick Thoughts on Poatello's Mayoral Race
Beside the Gould Street overpass, former Mayor Chase has plastered a billboard that promises "No More Wasteful Spending." I have it on good authority from people who were city employees during his "reign" that he didn't spend city money any better than it's been spent under Mayor Blad. It's also very presumptuous of him to say that he or Mayor Blad were alone in making the spending decisions. They can't spend anything of significance without the approval of the city council.
I also have it on good authority from those same employees that Mayor Chase never had a library card and only showed up to the library to meet the press. Mayor Blad, on the other hand, spent an entire day at the library during the first months of his term. He spent time in every department, including maintenance, working side by side with the library employees to learn what went into their jobs. He wanted to know who he was serving and what service they provided to the city. Who do I want for mayor? The man who wasn't afraid to roll up his sleeves.
I also have it on good authority from those same employees that Mayor Chase never had a library card and only showed up to the library to meet the press. Mayor Blad, on the other hand, spent an entire day at the library during the first months of his term. He spent time in every department, including maintenance, working side by side with the library employees to learn what went into their jobs. He wanted to know who he was serving and what service they provided to the city. Who do I want for mayor? The man who wasn't afraid to roll up his sleeves.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Intellectual Honesty, or the Lack Thereof
Someone very close to me recently sent a link to The Witherspoon Institute's Public Discourse page. This particular post was made by a self-proclaimed gay man who chooses to live in a "straight" family situation. He makes some strong assertions about marriage equality based on his experiences and biases. Below is the link that was sent to me followed by my response to the person who sent it:
http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2013/03/9432/
There are many objections I have to what this person says. Seeing that he is co-founder of the National Capital Tea Party Patriots, I can't say I'm surprised at what he says, but his reasoning is flawed and I'll tell you why. Please refer to his document if you have questions.
First, let me tell you what I DO agree with. His assertion that philia is often overlooked in favor of eros is an accurate one, though it's certainly not just gay culture that does so. It is culture in general that has become overly sexualized. Eros has gained an undue place in our cultural estimation at large, putting our social interactions out of a healthy balance.
Gay culture does, indeed, enshrine sex, but it is not alone in doing so. However, if you read between the lines of Mr. Mainwaring's Greek-word discourse, he basically accuses the majority of gay men of being the main culprits, sexually ravenous wolves who are incapable of non-sexual connection. It's the same type of hysteria that has fueled gay witch hunts for decades, including the one that occurred in Boise in 1955. You should look that up sometime. It had an impact on both of us even though we are two generations distant from the actual events.
The next thing I'd like to discuss is his assertions on the difference between straight and gay marriage. It must be borne in mind that he is speaking from his own experience and then presenting his experience as fact in opposition to the experience of others. He says that in spite of having to repress certain sexual desires, he found marriage rewarding. OF COURSE he found marriage rewarding! The profound companionship provided by marriage is very fulfilling, speaking from my limited, peripheral experience. However, he uses his experiences with men after his divorce to assert that marriage between two men would be less fulfilling. How does he know that? He was never married to a man! And from the tone of everything else he says, even his long-term relationships with other men would have been colored with his prejudice against homosexuality. It's no wonder he didn't find them as fulfilling! (I have experienced similar difficulty in experiencing fulfillment, not because I'm trying to make it work with another guy, but because I was programmed from the beginning to believe it was wrong to try. With that attitude it's very hard to open myself and invest in the relationship because I'm scared it's doomed to fail...thus becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm very lucky that Chris is so dedicated and has stayed with me as I've struggled with this.)
And as for Mr. Mainwaring's children, they began life while he was still married to his wife. Of course they are going to be happier and feel safer with them back together! What child DOESN'T want their separated parents to kiss and make up? And his assertions that children are deprived if they don't have parents of opposite genders is just false. There is no objective empirical evidence that supports this, and in fact, the unbiased data that HAS been gathered refutes this notion. He can believe it if he wants, but to state it as fact shows his lack of the very intellectual honesty he says he has.
Is sexuality fluid? Absolutely! Do straight people and gay people alike shy away from this truth? Yes, because of how much easier it is to slap a label on someone complete with a code of acceptable behavior. People want things to be black and white because then they don't have to think. They don't have to reason. They don't have to put forth the intellectual and spiritual effort to discern the truth, to see things as they are. And who is this man to judge the lives of his acquaintances as "diminished?" He conveniently avoids the exploration and discussion of the consequences of a mixed-orientation marriage's end. Do these men struggle to find a new identity? Of course! Do they often then rely on tired stereotypes and fall in with the cultural "Sex is everything" message? Absolutely! Does it have to be that way? Absolutely NOT! But denying marriage to gay people only perpetuates the tired stereotypes and leaves these men with few clear options as they seek to begin a new life. Divorce is hard enough but to do so while coming out is exponentially traumatic.
I agree that we, as a society, need to be very, very careful not to allow the government to intrude where it doesn't belong, namely the home. His dystopian scenario is certainly a possible reality, and in fact, we already see elements of it coming to pass in many aspects of our lives. The struggle to maintain our liberties has never been more dire, but the kind of alarmist rhetoric this man employs only muddies the waters and makes it more difficult to focus on the real issues at hand.
So...I guess you can tell I didn't think much of what Mr. Mainwaring had to say. He states truths and then uses them to support false premises. He also makes the very dangerous mistake of thinking that his experience is the only valid point of view. I find his audacity offensive, and I try very hard not to be one who is easily offended.
Again, I appreciate that you shared this with me. I hope you take my remarks in the spirit of discussion in which they were initiated.
http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2013/03/9432/
B****,
I just read this e-mail. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I appreciate the opportunity to dialogue about this view.
I just read this e-mail. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I appreciate the opportunity to dialogue about this view.
There are many objections I have to what this person says. Seeing that he is co-founder of the National Capital Tea Party Patriots, I can't say I'm surprised at what he says, but his reasoning is flawed and I'll tell you why. Please refer to his document if you have questions.
First, let me tell you what I DO agree with. His assertion that philia is often overlooked in favor of eros is an accurate one, though it's certainly not just gay culture that does so. It is culture in general that has become overly sexualized. Eros has gained an undue place in our cultural estimation at large, putting our social interactions out of a healthy balance.
Gay culture does, indeed, enshrine sex, but it is not alone in doing so. However, if you read between the lines of Mr. Mainwaring's Greek-word discourse, he basically accuses the majority of gay men of being the main culprits, sexually ravenous wolves who are incapable of non-sexual connection. It's the same type of hysteria that has fueled gay witch hunts for decades, including the one that occurred in Boise in 1955. You should look that up sometime. It had an impact on both of us even though we are two generations distant from the actual events.
The next thing I'd like to discuss is his assertions on the difference between straight and gay marriage. It must be borne in mind that he is speaking from his own experience and then presenting his experience as fact in opposition to the experience of others. He says that in spite of having to repress certain sexual desires, he found marriage rewarding. OF COURSE he found marriage rewarding! The profound companionship provided by marriage is very fulfilling, speaking from my limited, peripheral experience. However, he uses his experiences with men after his divorce to assert that marriage between two men would be less fulfilling. How does he know that? He was never married to a man! And from the tone of everything else he says, even his long-term relationships with other men would have been colored with his prejudice against homosexuality. It's no wonder he didn't find them as fulfilling! (I have experienced similar difficulty in experiencing fulfillment, not because I'm trying to make it work with another guy, but because I was programmed from the beginning to believe it was wrong to try. With that attitude it's very hard to open myself and invest in the relationship because I'm scared it's doomed to fail...thus becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm very lucky that Chris is so dedicated and has stayed with me as I've struggled with this.)
And as for Mr. Mainwaring's children, they began life while he was still married to his wife. Of course they are going to be happier and feel safer with them back together! What child DOESN'T want their separated parents to kiss and make up? And his assertions that children are deprived if they don't have parents of opposite genders is just false. There is no objective empirical evidence that supports this, and in fact, the unbiased data that HAS been gathered refutes this notion. He can believe it if he wants, but to state it as fact shows his lack of the very intellectual honesty he says he has.
Is sexuality fluid? Absolutely! Do straight people and gay people alike shy away from this truth? Yes, because of how much easier it is to slap a label on someone complete with a code of acceptable behavior. People want things to be black and white because then they don't have to think. They don't have to reason. They don't have to put forth the intellectual and spiritual effort to discern the truth, to see things as they are. And who is this man to judge the lives of his acquaintances as "diminished?" He conveniently avoids the exploration and discussion of the consequences of a mixed-orientation marriage's end. Do these men struggle to find a new identity? Of course! Do they often then rely on tired stereotypes and fall in with the cultural "Sex is everything" message? Absolutely! Does it have to be that way? Absolutely NOT! But denying marriage to gay people only perpetuates the tired stereotypes and leaves these men with few clear options as they seek to begin a new life. Divorce is hard enough but to do so while coming out is exponentially traumatic.
I agree that we, as a society, need to be very, very careful not to allow the government to intrude where it doesn't belong, namely the home. His dystopian scenario is certainly a possible reality, and in fact, we already see elements of it coming to pass in many aspects of our lives. The struggle to maintain our liberties has never been more dire, but the kind of alarmist rhetoric this man employs only muddies the waters and makes it more difficult to focus on the real issues at hand.
So...I guess you can tell I didn't think much of what Mr. Mainwaring had to say. He states truths and then uses them to support false premises. He also makes the very dangerous mistake of thinking that his experience is the only valid point of view. I find his audacity offensive, and I try very hard not to be one who is easily offended.
Again, I appreciate that you shared this with me. I hope you take my remarks in the spirit of discussion in which they were initiated.
love and deep respect,
Trent
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